


Let's Learn Again

by Crazypups



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Break Up, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Romance, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 17:06:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9281525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazypups/pseuds/Crazypups
Summary: In which Evelyn fears the worst and lets them control her.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy, I had this idea while watching youtube videos of the breakup scene and I wanted to tweak it a bit.

“We need to end it,” she said, voice cracking towards the end.

His head jerked back, eye flickering. “What…?”

She would have laughed if the circumstances were different. His confused face, crooked head, those hands… Cullen’s face transformed as understanding bloomed across his features. Her heart sank and she averted her gaze.

“I see.” He was no longer looking at her. “I thought… it doesn’t matter what I thought.”

That’s it? No questions? No anger or accusation? “Yes, well, I suppose I should-”

“Yes, Inquisitor. I shall see you later,” he said with little difficulty. They were back to formal acquaintances, little emotion in his voice. Cold, hard politeness, like she didn’t matter anymore or their past was forgettable.

She hated it.

Evelyn didn’t move from her spot, and the Commander wasn’t looking at her anymore. He sat at his desk shuffling papers around. How could the man work? Why wasn’t he angry or hurt?

“Um-”

“Inquisitor, there is much work to process and I have been neglecting it. Now, if you’ll please excuse me.” There was a spark of anger in his eyes, lasting only a second.

She didn’t want to leave-Maker’s balls this was ridiculous. She ended it, why expect any different. In fact, she deserved this, ending their relationship randomly because she was-

Cullen-the Commander sighed. “Do you have need of me?”

Evelyn jumped, eyes glassy. “Oh, no, no, I’ll-” she motioned to the door, “see myself out.” Spinning on her heels, Evelyn marched out his office and somehow ended up in her room with Dorian following behind.

“What, Dorian, how-I’m in my room…”

“Yes, well, once I saw how you blatantly ignored Solas, I thought I should investigate. Then you ignored me as well. We both can't allow that.” Dorian sniffed.

She listened with half an ear, her back facing the mage. Her mind was still with the Commander, watching as he slaved over that stupid, fucking desk-Oh Maker.

Tears rolled down her cheeks and she hiccupped, caving into herself. Two warm hands pressed on her shoulders, guiding her to the bed.

“Vishante kaffas, sit. Don’t move.”

It could have been minutes or hours when he returned. Dorian forced a potion to her lips, a warm, sickly sweet substance running down her throat. Her stomach tingled, and cold calmness enveloped her. She could think again, breathe again but it all came crashing down as her mind returned to him.

“Dorian-I-I-”

“Hush Evie, it is okay.” He rubbed her back in circles, and it helped a little. “Should have brought another one…”

She shook her head. “No, no it isn’t-I did it again. I shit on everything aga-” A hiccup escaped her. “I broke his heart, and now I can’t-can’t fix it, can’t help. I did this!”

“Evie,” he said her name with a mixture of disapproval and sadness.

“I just-” she couldn’t continue, the words sticking to her throat

“I know, rest for now.” Dorian paused. “We will…address this later.”

Evelyn nodded. Dorian was right, Maker’s breath he knew what to say in the right moments. If only she could do the same. Bless Josephine for handling that aspect of the Inquisition.

Closing her eyes, Evelyn leaned into Dorian allowing the tingles to take over.

* * *

“A moment?” Not waiting for an answer, Dorian grabbed her elbow, steering her away from the chatty nobles.

“Yes, of course, I wasn’t discussing relations between the Inquisition and Orlais. Not to mention how I so graciously left the conversation.”

“Orlais will survive without you for an hour, but no more. There might be another assassin lurking around.” He led her to her door, opened it, and waited for her to go first.

Evelyn ignored the need to roll her eyes and went up the stairs. She walked towards her desk, leaning on the edge. So many papers to sort, she moved some aside and a few papers floated off the desk. Evelyn froze, a distant memory flashing by. The moment seemed to happen ages ago.

Standing away from the desk, she gave Dorian a tight smile.

His eyebrow was quirked up and thankfully he didn’t comment. Although then the silence stretched.

Her feet shifted. Damn. The man had an accusing gaze. It didn’t help he was mad. “I have duties to attend to.”

“Ah, do they include more pranks with Sera? Or riveting conversations with Cole?”

She flushed. Curse her transparent skin! “N-no, matters that include Leliana.”

“That sounds important.” Dorian commented, not sounding convinced.

There was the matter of the crystal and listening in on Calpernia’s conversations, but she had put that off. Her spymaster will surely come looking for her soon… Lately, Evelyn hadn’t been motivated to work, procrastinating on certain matters. She shouldn’t be acting like this when the fate of the world rested on her shoulders, not when she’s the Inquisitor. But it was so hard during those war meetings, her eyes would always linger on his shiny armor. Maker, those hands. Her stomach would clench just watching him move those little pieces over the map.

“Evie?”

“Yes!” She cleared her throat, and in a lower voice she said, “Yes?”

Dorian shook his head, breathing heavily through his nostrils. “Oh for-! You are the Inquisitor, walked through the fade, closed the hole in the sky, and spit on a deranged, ancient magister.”

“I can list your achievements as well.”

“Yet you falter and stumble on anything that concerns you and your personal life.” His voice was strong, anger lacing between his words.

He’s right about everything. “That’s not entirely-”

“I adore your sarcasm, reason why we get along so splendidly, but in this moment I need truth and I shall bash you over the head with it. How long has it been?”

Rhetorical question, he knows how long it’s been. She broke his gaze. “A month.”

“When I said rest for now, I didn’t intend a month.”

“I-” What could she say? She wasn’t ready, but then again, when would she be ready? Definitely wasn’t expecting the mark or the title of Inquisitor. Especially since she’s a mage. “I ended it.”

“Why?”

“Because…” she trailed off. Cullen smiling before kissing her, Cullen pushing her down on the desk, Cullen choking on his blood, Cullen taking red lyrium, Cullen leaving her… The list was endless and so were the fears. How could she make Dorian understand? That Cullen was better off alone and she was too. No one would get hurt in the long run. Alternatively, if he noticed the change in her…

Too many decisions hung on her conscious, so many died with her name on their breaths.

She couldn’t take his.

“Because I can’t”

“Are you-”  
“I can’t! There’s too much, I’m the Inquisitor, the herald,” she mocked. “So much depends on me and sometimes,” Evelyn stopped, glancing at the ceiling. “Sometimes I wish it didn’t.” She’d be back in the Circle, reading dusty tomes and teasing stoic Templars. Although, that was no life.

“Nonsense. Even if you weren’t the Inquisitor, you’d still be running away because you’re afraid and that’s what you do. You run.”

“No.” She folded her arms.

Dorian threw his hands up. “Unbelievable, Evie I can only repeat myself so many times. No use helping someone that refuses to move from the rain.” With a withering glare, Dorian left Evelyn alone.

* * *

Maker’s breath, she almost died today. And in the most inane way as well. Not in battle fighting Corypheus or under a dragon’s breathe, no, but a fucking slip of snow.

It was so ordinary and common, falling off a cliff, not a death worthy of an Inquisitor. What was worse? That she deserved a worthy death or she thought she did.

Evelyn smoothed her hair, breathing deeply. She paced her room not expecting any intrusions. This was her allotted quiet time, reserved for prayer. Ha! When’s the last time she kneeled for the Maker? Not since Haven, but she's kneeled for the Commander...

She shook her head. Curse him, and his everlasting faith. In the Inquisitor and the Maker. She couldn’t take it, his stare. Judging, analyzing, and predicting everything. It’s what he always did, five steps ahead of the enemy and everyone else. But his stare also calmed her. The Commander would always stand tall for Evelyn, the Inquisitor. At some point, it was also for Evie.

Maybe a quick visit, a simple hello? The sun had long set over the horizon. Although he was probably hunched over his desk, working. Evelyn glanced out her window. It would be most improper for a visit.

  
Pulling on a thick cloak, Evelyn left her room. No one would recognize the raggedy fabric that covered her face, probably mistake her as a servant. She took the long way, avoiding Solas and the Herald’s Rest, finally arriving at his door. Evelyn's fist hovered over it.

  
What would she tell him? That she almost died on her usual walk, looking for elfroot? Alone, without guards. The Commander would reprimand her, and she had no need for that. Or tell him she missed his touch and secret smiles? That won’t do either, but perhaps a friendly chat. They began somewhere, so they could start again anew.

Evelyn pulled her arm back, only to freeze. Hushed giggles came from his office, the type that was coaxed out. Once upon a night, she had been that woman. Now it was someone else.

Her arm fell loosely by her side, and with a numbness invading her body, Evelyn slumped back to her room, only she paused at the tavern. Laughter and music echoed outside, people merry with drink. She cursed.

  
“If he does as he pleases, then so can I.” Evelyn threw off the hood and entered.

* * *

Sunlight heated her toes, and they wiggled. Evelyn stretched, hands meeting with another warm body.

“Hmm, Cullen.” She nuzzled into his back, smelling of mead and pine leaves-

Cullen didn’t smell this way. He smelt of oil, bee wax, and leather.

Evelyn shot up, pulling the covers with her. Oh, no, no, no! She couldn’t have!

She did.

Beside her slept a naked man, one she didn’t recognize. In her bed nonetheless…oh everyone was going to throw a fit over this. The base of her skull pounded and Evelyn groaned. The Inquisitor, belligerently drunk and sleeping with strangers without the sense of hiding it. Leliana would take care of it–Evelyn eyed the man-Josephine would squash the rumors, and everyone else… everyone else would tease her to oblivion.

And what of Cullen? Would he care? And if he did, would it be out of concern for the Inquisitor’s reputation? No, he couldn't find out. Not everyone could know.

Fuck, she only wanted to have fun, to smile without thinking of the giggled coming from his door.

Maybe she could make him jealousy just as hers burned bright-hold on, for what purpose? She ended their relationship, so it was no surprise he would move on. But it happened so quickly, only-

Maker’s balls, it’s been six months! Time slipped away like sand and she hardly noticed. The Inquisition took up her time, along with endless missions-wasn’t there a meeting to attend…?

  
Evelyn dressed and left her room, locking the door behind her. She searched for Leliana and encountered the woman just before she entered Josephine’s office.

  
“Inquisitor,” she said, wearing a small smile. “I take it you slept well?”

No surprise there. “No, in fact, it was a tad unpleasant. Is there a sort of remedy? A potion?”

Leliana’s smile vanished, replaced by shrewd eyes. “I know just the solution.”

Evelyn nodded. “Excellent. Be a dove and fetch me one?”

“I’d say a dove is the wrong animal. Anyways, Inquisitor, it shall be done. The…remedy will squash what little headaches may appear. Although, it will do nothing for the others. I will meet you in the war room.”

Fantastic, how many people knew? Hopefully not the Commander.

* * *

Leliana was fifteen minutes late. How impressive, Evelyn expected at least thirty minutes. In the meantime, she avoided the Commander’s presence all-together. It was easier than she thought. And that was terrifying.

“Sorry for the tardiness, I had matters to attend,” Leliana said, closing the door behind her.

“Tis no trouble, you only kept us waiting,” came Morrigan’s reply. The woman has attended each meeting ever since the Winter Palace. She insisted on attending as they could use her endless knowledge.

Leliana ignored the comment, focusing on Evelyn.

What sort of history did they share? The two women never got along. One would assume killing an Archedemon would bring people together. However, not everyone in her inner circle got along.

“Alright then,” Evelyn began, “we have certain matters at hand. How are we faring?”

Josephine nodded. “Yes, Inquisitor, Orlais stands proudly with us, for now. They will send aid upon request.”

“Our forces?” Evelyn asked, studying the board.

“Our victory at Adamant has dealt a blow to Corypheus and his forces, effectively shaking his followers.” His cold tone wrapped around her, causing a shiver to crawl up her spine.

“My agents agree. Now is the time to strike.” Leliana added.

“Excellent. Those of weak faith are easier to strike.” Evelyn said.

Morrigan’s eyes smiled. An insult was coming. “How fortunate of you to build such a loyal following.”

Such an innocent comment, and yet it was scathing. She was right. Evelyn built an army of faithful when she herself wasn’t religious. Perhaps it showed in the way her eyes twitched, but the Commander came to her defense.

“The people stay because of the Inquisitor's success; she brought us to this point.”

“So I see.” Morrigan’s gaze on the Commander lasted forever. She seemed to do that frequently. Eyes that pick apart, looking for a weakness or advantage to use. Much like Evelyn. Perhaps that’s where her dislike of the fellow mage came from.

“Where is he now?” Evelyn said louder than necessary.

The Commander pointed to the map. “Corypheus uprooted his army and fled south, to the Arbor Wilds. We have them on the defensive.”

Her fingers floated near his, as she traced the letters on the map. The Commander withdrew his. “The Arbor Wilds. A nasty little forest, isn’t it? Well my fellow advisors,” except Morrigan, “I believe it is time to end this.” How odd. For so long all she’s thought of was this day, but it felt hollow. What came next? The Inquisition was far from over, but she would have time to breath, all by herself. Her friends would leave, maybe her advisors too. Rumors already arose that Leliana was the next Divine. Who was next, the Commander? “To the Wilds we go.” 

“But why there? What is Corypheus doing in a remote area?” Josephine asked.

“The Arbor Wilds are rife with elven ruins,” Leliana answered, “Corypheus harbors a sort of adoration for the sort. He’s been ransacking ruins since Haven. However, what he intends to find is a mystery.”

“I can assist,” Morrigan said. “Those forgotten woods hold an ancient artifact, one dangerous as well.”

That’s helpful. Evelyn resisted the urge to snap. “Ah, don’t you adore cryptic comments?” She wasn’t successful.

Morrigan shifted, her head turning towards the door. “’Tis better if I show you.” The woman left the war room, not waiting for Evelyn to follow.

She sighed. “Would you tell her to wait, Josephine? I need a moment with the Commander. Also, Leliana can you inform Josephine on this mornings…problem.”

Her formal address was not lost on the advisors, and thankfully they didn’t comment. Josephine and Leliana left together, speaking amongst themselves. They were definitely gossiping about her transgression.

“Commander.”

“Inquisitor.”

How long has it been since they last spoken alone? That didn’t include work? Scratch that, they haven’t spoken alone in six months. Maker’s breath this was a horrible idea. She wanted to talk to him about something, but what? The only thing that came to mind was last night. Who was giggling? Was she important? Pretty?

He chuckled, and the sound brought a flush to her cheeks. “You have that look on your face, the one when you’re thinking too hard-forgive me, Inquisitor.”

For a second they were back to before, teasing and familiar.

“No apology needed. I wished to talk, but not of matters concerning the Inquisition.” Yet she addressed him with such formal speech. Andraste help her, she was messing everything up.

“Oh?” he said, raising an eyebrow. “By all means, continue.” A lazy smile sat upon his lips and a heavy weight lifted off Evelyn’s shoulders.

“Yes-um-how have you been…” these past few months.

He understood. “Inquisition forces are proud to serve. They worked together as a true army during Adamant, and will continue to do so at the Arbor wilds.”

“Ah yes, I seem to have forgotten that our Commander never ceases to work, except-” Her tone turned sour and biting.

Cullen frowned. “Have I offended?”

His brown eyes under the candlelight, giving rough kisses down her thigh. Except it wasn’t her, but a nameless woman. “No.”

“Evelyn,” he said her name and it sounded perfect, right. She forgot how he said, and it was the pronunciation that made her weak in her knees. She was such a fool to let him go. “Why are you like this? Moments ago I saw a flash-” He sighed. “It matters not. If you have nothing else to speak of, I will take my leave then.”

“No!” In a lower tone she continued, “Please, stay. I miss your company.” There, she said it.

His face changed, anger wrinkling his brow and clenching his fists. “Miss me? Now? What of all those months ago? You conveniently overlooked me, and now you’re calling because you’re lonely?”

“Wha-” She should have expected his anger. “What gives you that impression?” Evelyn said weakly. He wasn’t wrong, and it’s what hurt the most. For six months she tried to forget, but he kept coming back like a blasted cold.

Cullen looked away from her. “I thought I knew you. I-I expected that, all those months ago. You have a difficult time dealing with emotions…”

Evelyn nodded. It was no secret, as Dorian pointed out.

“I knew, that if I waited, if I was persistent, you would come back eventually. But after yesterday-” Cullen stopped speaking, his voice low and dark. A silent rage.

He knows, of course he does. Rumors spread fast, especially so in the barracks. That must’ve been a slap in face when she referred to it in front of him. But rage was a good sign. It meant he cared, and that the giggles from last night didn’t matter. “I hardly call it waiting. You had company.” She still had to make sure.

He jerked towards her so quick, his head might have fallen off if it wasn’t attached. “Company? You-you came to see me.” Cullen’s hand covered his face. “Maker’s breath, you assume the worst and go bed the nearest fool!”

She cringed. When he said it that way…

“I have to leave.” His hands were on his sword. “I have to go, and-and train the troops.”

“Cullen-”

“The troops.” Was all he said, shoving the doors open.

“Cullen!” She followed him to the training grounds, watching as he pulled out his sword and jumped into the practice ring.

“Come!” he said, the cords in his neck bulging. He attacked the nearest soldier, who staggered from the swing.  
Their sparring was drawing a crowd.

“Cullen!” He couldn’t hear her, lost to the sound of clashing swords. Well, he’s jealous alright. This fight was all that’s stopping him from attacking the man she slept with.  
Was that her original intent? Make him jealous like she was? Or to forget all her troubles? That didn’t matter; she had to stop this fight before Cullen hurt someone.

With a shaky breath, Evelyn jumped into the ring. She cast a barrier on herself, before freezing Cullen and the soldier in place. “Enough! Clear the premise. Immediately.” The crowd dispersed, leaving Cassandra standing tall. She raised her eyes in question and Evelyn nodded. With a grimace, Cassandra left.

She unfroze the soldier and had him leave before proceeding with Cullen.

“I had it under control.” Cullen dusted ice off his mantle, heading for his office.

Evelyn followed close behind. “I don’t doubt you, but ruthlessly beating a recruit is bad for moral.”

He didn’t answer until they were alone in his office. Evelyn stood away from the desk. “I’d rather not have this conversation-”

“I’d rather not deal with this.” She pointed to them both. “I’d rather forget the whole incident and return to the beginning, when we didn’t know each other or how this could end.”

“You’re more comfortable with the unknown?”

She rubbed her shoulders. “No, I-you would have left.”

Cullen shook his head and leaned back into his desk. The sturdy piece of wood groaned under his weight, but it had taken more before. “So you’ve made the decision for me. To protect yourself.”

Was he calling her a coward? “You’d leave me because I’m not this perfect Inquisitor, I’m no herald, and sometimes Cullen, I think about my decisions. Have I made the right choice? The wrong one? People died for me, will continue to die, and I watch. It’s become too easy, and I wonder-” Will she go crazy with power? Dictate the future of the world under her vision? Like the Seekers? Or watch his death and not feel a single thing.

The Inquisition changed her from that innocent girl, shaped her into a cold woman. Everything had become so easy and that’s the worst part. Humans, elves, dwarfs; all expendable. The old Evelyn would be horrified.

Cullen fell in love with the old Evelyn. As weak as it may sound, she couldn’t handle his rejection. It wouldn’t affect her work with the Inquisition, but her personal relationships… Damn the Circle for making her fear humans and intimacy! Damn them for teaching her fear! The Circle will burn, and Vivienne won’t have a chance to revive it.

“You had me, you-I would have shared your burden, Evelyn,” Cullen said.

Shame tinted her cheeks. Everything could have been avoided if she confided in him, but that was not her nature. And he knew. Realization hit her. Cullen knew. He knew she’d leave, and he’d knew she’d come back. The ever masterful chess player, the Commander of the Inquisition, understood Evelyn better than she did herself. Dorian was right.

“That woman, from last night. Who was she?”

Cullen growled. Actually growled and it warmed her stomach. “One of Leliana’s spies with a report. The woman loved to tease and had this insentient laugh.”

“Then…” Evelyn took a step forward.

“Then?” he repeated, taking a step back.

Her heart dropped.

“The man. Your lover-”

“No lover, a mistake. A drunken one. I thought it was you.” It was important he knew the difference.

“Indeed.” He breathed deeply through his nostrils.

Was he angry due to jealousy or because he didn’t foresee her reaction?

“I beg your pardon!”

Evelyn blinked, oh, she said that out loud. “Well?”

It was his time to blush and look ashamed. So it was the latter. “Ever so the prideful strategist.” Evelyn folded her arms.

“I suppose we both have issues to work on.” Cullen scratched the back of his neck.

Evelyn took a long look at him. His eyes were bloodshot lined by purple circles, a slight shadow around his jaw. How’d she miss this before?  
She’d been selfish, ignoring Cullen’s own troubles as he fought with his addiction. Perhaps that’s why he was so obsessed with control. It gave him the reassurance she failed to give. “Oh, my poor fool.” Evelyn neared him, her heart swelling when he didn’t move away. She cupped his cheeks. “I’m sorry for not helping.”

He held her hands. Cullen's face softened, and she smiled. Not all was lost. “I’m still angry about…”  

“I know, and I have a lot to work on, but I have faith in us.” . 

“You do need to believe in something." He wasn’t accepting her apology, but it was a start. They all had to start somewhere.

* * *

Evelyn sat on the battlements, legs swinging. If she moved further, she would fall to her death. Instead of relocating, she took in the horizon, the tall mountains. The Arbor Wilds had been…interesting. Thank the Maker she didn’t drink from the pool. Imagine, an eternity tied to a cryptic woman.

With a snort, her smile faded. Corypheus was defeated, Solas vanished, and the others were staying. For now. Well, except for her Spymaster. The Inquisition will continue to shape the world, and then…

Then what? Their work was far from done, but how long until the nations tired of her antics? 

Worst of all, Cullen was still- 

“Evelyn?”

A smile stretched her lips. “Hmm?” She rolled her head back, glancing at Cullen. His armor shone, hair slicked back, and he looked well rested. Good. Her potions have been helping him.

Cullen leaned against the wall, not commenting on her precarious position. “Beautiful day, isn’t it?”

“A good day for attack, wouldn’t you say, Commander?”

He chuckled. “Not to worry, I’ve prepared for that.” o 

She wrinkled her nose. “What else have you prepared for?”

Cullen didn’t answer, instead pulling her up and away from the ledge. They stood close to each other, another step and their lips could touch. Evelyn didn’t move. She curled a hand around his head, fingers playing with his hair. He didn’t move either.

“I’m sorry, been mucking things up, but I-” Evelyn looked away, back to the mountains. She’s been trying; opening up, confiding her fears. Cullen took it in stride, always helping with professional composure. Other times Dorian took his place, or Sera. But it was better than before, keeping everything inside and closed.

However a chasm lay between them, and Evelyn was unsure on how to close it. He always kept his distance, stolen touches was all he allowed. Starting anew, as he called it. Well, it was annoying and slow.

“The hunter never rushes for he scares the prey away,” Cullen said. He still hadn’t moved, and their close proximity gathered attention. Soldiers were trying and failing to hide their interest.

“Who’s the hunter?” Her mouth went dry as she leaned forward. 

Cullen’s eyes twinkled. He shrugged, and with a pat on her shoulder, left her alone.

“I think I know who!” she called after him.

He answered by looking over his shoulder, shooting her a smirk.

With a smile, Evelyn strolled the opposite way. Maybe slow wasn’t a bad thing. She had time.


End file.
